By the time I got to the age where a relationship with a man was even on my radar I was totally clueless. The urge, need and ever-present awkward desire for “something” with a man seemed to occupy every space of my life.
It started with my brother’s friends, finding ways to sneak out to spend time with them when they were over with no awareness of what I was after or what I wanted if I even found it.
As I grew older my body's desires coupled with social influence pushed me to declare that I had to have sex before I was 18!
Where did this choice come from? Was I making it cause I knew that sex before I was 18 would create the most for me, really benefit my life in the most supportive way? Unfortunately no. I stumbled into it half-blind and completely stoned. Self-introspection was nowhere to be found.
So I did it, I “lost” my virginity a few days before my 18th birthday to a really gentle, kind slightly older guy
who I preceded to completely ignore for the rest of my time at school with him. I was so disconnected to the whole experience. If there was any pleasure or joy in it I didn’t notice. It was not awful but it was certainly not what I have grown to know is possible in sex and relationship. It was the first time for me in this body and I wish I knew then what I know now. I would have screwed that kind, gentle-faced guy way more. But alas, only the once for us.
I then proceeded over the next 14 years to stumble in and out of one-night stands, short-lived relationships, and some longer-term ones. I would always proceed on with these guys with no clear choice in sight, impelled by need, validation, and other forces of my subconscious. Getting into something with one man, sometimes if I was lucky enjoying some part of it and other times quite literally not enjoying a single part of it besides the initial flirtation. Why did I carry on you may ask? Well, this is the million-dollar question. Why do so many of us continuously search for a mate, a companion?
Someone to be with or just to have sex with?
Is it a biological drive to perpetuate the species? Is it ever a creative, conscious choice for some? And if it is a conscious choice for some, what are they choosing for?
So as I grew into a woman I was simultaneously doing Access Consciousness®. When most of my peers were out getting drunk or having sloppy sex somewhere at college I was spending my days running bars and seeking to look ever deeper at the truth behind everything. Not the most common twenty-something thing to do. Not the most common any age thing to do.
So I was learning about consciousness from my stepdad Gary and through life of course. I was learning how not to divorce myself in relationship and how certain choices created more or less consciousness depending on what they were.
I was learning how to be aware of what was going on in the bodies and universes of the people I was choosing as sex or relationship partners, not always the easy way.
I was learning what was true for me rather than constantly seeking to match some picture of what I had been sold about relationship. One man after another taught me what I liked and what I didn’t like. Gary taught me that if I was not happy, change something. That I always had choice and more importantly what choices created and was I choosing from my reality or someone else's?
I even at times thought perhaps I don’t desire a relationship. It seemed that relationship was the cause of so much unhappiness and trouble for myself and others.
Yet secretly I deeply still desired relationship, but to what means and ends?
And then I met my husband. The circumstances of our meeting were not ideal. I was living thousands of miles away on another continent at the tail end of a failing relationship and he was married with two small children at the tail end of a failing marriage. I was seeking ever forwards but for what, I was not sure. He was also seeking and always with the accompaniment of a lifetime of parents telling him he should fit only into their point of view and wife who only wanted what she wanted and forever withholding with total expectation of him giving up everything for her. And he did. When I met my beautiful man he was a shadow of himself. Yet the deeply kind, intelligent, creative, handsome man still shone through.
We wound up socializing without much intention and both of us could sense a deep yearning developing between us.
And so we stood before two paths. One would take us down a more acceptable road where we would shake hands as friends and carry on with our separate lives… thinking every now and then of that quick, fleeting spark that we had once with that lovely person.
Or another path that has taken us to where we are today, happily married and getting better and better all the time.
Now did he and my magical fairytale happen just by accident? Fuck no! And in fact, this is better than a fairytale, this is a real-life practical relationship were both parties consciously choose to participate in the growth for better.
Now have we always been on the same page about what growth for better was? Fuck no!
Have we both had to commit to changing at our very deepest core, fuck yes!
Would I have it any other way? Fuck no!
Have I wanted to throw in the towel at many points along the way, fuck yes!
Did I? Momentarily.
And then I began to recognize this funny thing. I began to recognize what was true for me. I began to recognize the invaluable gift my husband was and is to me. I also began to recognize my inability to receive the great gift he is and was. I began noticing my automatic reactions that would drive him away and ultimately hurt me. Anything to not receive it. I always had the best reasons of course for why he was wrong and why I should separate from him. He was selfish or inconsiderate or not devoted enough or too stupid or, or, or………….? Girl’s you know what I mean?
Side note, in my years as a facilitator I have found that this is a common phenomenon with women. They have a beautiful, kind, and devoted man who desires nothing more than to make her happy and she refuses it. To both of their detriment. (I am not saying that all men are a beautiful amazing gift to women and I will leave my husband to discuss that with you)
Back to me, I started acknowledging how much had changed in my life and especially with my body with the presence of my husband. I was softer and having more ease and peace. The ever-present low-grade anxiety was gone, I had peace. ALERT, there must be something wrong! Nope, there was something right.
Using the tools and processes of Access got us through all the seemingly impossible insanity of relationship. My husband and I will both attest that our relationship would not be possible without the intervening of Gary and the power tools of Access.
Tool #1, don’t give you up to make the other person happy. Don’t become what you think they want. Be you, it is a greater gift than anything in the universe.
Tool #2, Honor the other person. Don’t expect and project them to fulfil your needs and wants. Ask, seduce, invite them into your life and be grateful every step of the way. (This is one I am still working on).
Tool #3, Never stop creating. As soon as a relationship goes on maintenance mode it is doomed. If you are not happy, create beyond it. Keep interested and present with your partner. Unless you only desire a little intimacy, then just be a little present with your partner.
Tool #4, Don’t expect them to make you happy and be everything for you. Your happiness or lack of happiness is your responsibility, no one else’s. Happiness is inviting, sad just sucks for everyone.
Tip #5, Choose someone who makes your life better. Someone who gives you greater access to you. Also, be that person who allows the other to have all of them even if you think you are going got loose because of it. Be willing to lose, then only then can you truly gain.
Tool #6, Care more than anyone can stand, even you.